Chair 3 with TEXTFEB '17 









Hello Sexy Friends! It’s the end of February; we’ve got lighter nights, and Spring bulbs flowering in the garden which means the warmer weather is just around the corner! Thoughts of nude sunbathing on some of our local beaches and love-making outdoors come to mind…meanwhile, what have we been up to? On Valentine’s Day we wined and dined at Prezzo Dalton Park ( near Sunderland before watching Fifty Shades Darker next door at The NorthEast has taken a battering in recent years due to the Banking Crisis of 2008 and things aren’t getting any better with Brexit; it seems all the growth and optimism is (as usual) centred around London, which is ironic considering they were for the most part in the ‘Remain’ camp, however, on Valentines Night it was heartening to see Prezzos fully booked and turning folk away. Service was first class as is the rule in these parts…retailers and traders try so hard in the NorthEast, their backs are up against a wall and they know it…its survival of the fittest with every man for himself…good service wins the day for them with repeat custom; there are a good many really first class eateries around here deserving to succeed, no thanks to our political masters in Whitehall and at local council level. Without exception, every-one in the restaurant had made an effort and got dressed up for the occasion. I’d been wondering recently if Valentine’s Day had maybe peaked around the Millennium and if enthusiasm was declining a bit; Many traders I spoke to revealed that sales were down on previous years, but then the weather was pretty poor too the week before, so only time will tell.  We just got finished in time to stroll over to Cineworld for an 8PM screening of FSD; They were showing the film on two screens at once nevertheless we were somewhat surprised & disappointed to note only 30 odd folk seated in the cinema just 5 minutes before the scheduled start of the film. Most of them were Millennials with a couple of older couples, all well turned out, and most in jeans and heels….Minx was easily the best dressed there in classy dress, black stockings, 4” heels and black leather jacket. Numbers swelled to around a hundred with seconds to spare before screening, leaving two thirds of the cinema empty. The last couple to enter were a couple of thirty-somethings, dressed sexily like Minx…and sat next to us on the very back row….there was a little wry sniggering between Minx & I as we recalled the times 40 years ago when ‘the back row’ was THE PLACE to be on a Saturday night for a bit of ‘extra-curricular’ with one’s date down at the local flea-pit. I read only yesterday that a cinema in Hackney is re-opening its doors 40 years after the last screening, still in its original form. It’s amazing to witness these places surviving in a digital age seemingly against all odds. Or maybe not? Why? Because the majority of the cinema audience today are Millennials who have been brought up on hype;  Putty in the hands of the big Corporations like Universal Pictures…True, we were there too with them, as oldies, but our excuse was we were there primarily for business reasons….after all, if we’re selling Fifty Shades merchandise at FUN-FIVE-0 the very least we can do is to acquaint ourselves with Ana and Christian don’t you think? For months we have been bombarded by Press releases from the likes of ETO, Lovehoney 🙁  and others….advising us to stock up for the RUSH, yeah right…one of the advantages of age is that you’re not so easily led, so we remained cautious and chose to stock limited numbers of items only. It was fascinating to see FSD POS (Point of Sale) items made available only around the date of the film release, yet these people had been urging us to buy stock since NOVEMBER to cope with ‘unprecedented demand’!!! No wonder we saw only FSG in sex shops in the lead up to the film’s release and no FSD! Some are saying the brand is tired now after 2 years…yet we learn there’s yet another film already made ‘Fifty Shades Freed’ which was shot back to back with FSD with release planned for February 2018. So, what did we think about the film? Read on…..


As of February 26th the film has already grossed $328.3 million, against a production budget of $55 million. WOW. (FSG has done $571 million to date.) It was released in the United States on Feb 10th, and our local cinemas weren’t showing it until 12th. We hadn’t read any reviews for the film before we went. I was particularly interested to see if any adult retailers would advertise amongst the trailers….not surprisingly Ann Summers popped up, but if you’d blinked you would have missed it, as Minx nearly did. Neither of us have a lot of time for AS, because we believe they’ve  gotten away with far too much over the years to the detriment of more traditional sex shops….an example of how Establishment favours those who cosy up to them & help fill their coffers no doubt, anyway, there they were…for a few seconds…I said to Minx afterwards that that’s all they have to do…plant a little seed in folks memories…it’s likely a good swathe of the cinema audience would go into a High Street outlet like theirs but not a licensed sexshop, because most of them aren’t hard core BDSM or even hard core sex, they’re in the realms of the ‘curious’. We like curious LOL. Most in the ‘scene’ wouldn’t have gone near the film anyway since the original FSG was perceived by them to be more about abuse than BDSM.  I had seen reports in the adult trade Press that some sex shop outlets had booked whole cinemas for private viewings on Valentine’s Day…I’ve yet to read confirmed reports about that taking place though.

Though we hadn’t read any reviews, I had heard through social media reports that the film was nothing more than PORNOGRAPHY with between 11 and 14 sex scenes depending on how you rate it…things looked promising.  {btw did you know where that word stems from? The Greek word ‘porne’ means ‘prostitute’ & ‘graphein’ to write or to record…literally ‘a written description or illustration of prostitutes or prostitution’}.  It would be fair to say that both of us remained focused not bored during the length of the film which ran for 118 minutes. We’re STILL WAITING for the pornography.  Although we did see some very titillating sex scenes the other night in a blockbuster film on More 4 featuring a story about the Troubles in Ireland and the alternative IRA. In fact, to be perfectly honest we’ve seen better stuff from Jack Regan & associated ‘brasses’ on The Sweeney… I’m writing this things pop into my head….the (2012)Sweeney film springs to mind and YES…some sex scenes in that movie were way more erotic than anything we saw from Ana & Christian. All the talk in the media about how controversial and ‘strong’ this film is…is what you’d expect, TOTAL BOLLOCKS. Neither of us was aroused during the film; obviously our thresholds are higher than most but this movie, in a nutshell, promises much but delivers little. It’s not surprising therefore, that in recent days review website ‘Rotten Tomatoes’ reveals the film’s been given an approval rating of just 8% based on 154 critical reviews, with an average rating of 3.4/10. They go on to say Lacking enough chemistry heat or narrative friction to satisfy, the limp FIFTY SHADES DARKER wants to be kinky but only serves as its own form of punishment’ We have to agree. I suppose the litmus test of any film one goes to see is your gut reaction when you’re leaving the darkened screen behind for the bright lights of the cinema exit…it’s usually either ‘WOW’, or ‘JFC painful or what?’ Once outside & into the night air, we both remarked… ‘Not bad but not very good eh’ tempered though by the enjoyment of a rare night out together on our own terms and not somebody else’s! I also remember saying to Minx I could have done a better job myself at the directing, and I do believe I could. A film director is supposed to be able to visualise a script and to guide the cast and the crew to deliver a credible and believable performance…from where we stand it seems pretty clear the director hasn’t ever seen any passionate, strong sex, let alone BDSM. Sexy people get vibes off other sexy folk…it’s a look, it’s a touch, it’s a grimace, it’s a flash of roughness, wildness,  it’s a lifestyle….NONE of that came over in this movie.

The beginning of the film sees Ana receiving a bouquet of flowers, from you guessed it, Christian; she pauses for an instant before taking them to be dropped in the bin, then changing her mind. Why not SMASH them into the bin with rage, and a bit of  passion???  From the very beginning I was cringing over Ms Johnson’s performance…yes I realise she was supposed to be, to an extent, playing  ‘innocent’ and ‘twee’…but I couldn’t help comparing her to the young Juliette Lewis brilliantly cast as Danielle Bowden’ in Martin Scorsese’s CAPE FEAR…as a schoolgirl. Possibly the strongest performance in the film comes from Eric Johnson as Jack Hyde, Ana’s boss…looks like we’ll be seeing more of him in Fifty Shades Freed. As for Jamie Dornan….he’s been torn to shreds by the critics, however, we didn’t think he was too bad….both stars seemed to settle down and improve as the film progressed, overall though we didn’t feel Dakota’s performance was anywhere near strong enough. Some of the film's most enjoyable moments had nothing to do with sex at all…..footage of Christian’s yacht ‘The Grace’ sailing the waters presumably around Vancouver.

A couple of days before Valentine’s Day I’d put a luxury spreader bar from CalExotics Scandal collection on to the FUN-FIVE-0 site so I was delighted to see Christian using one to good effect...the way he flicked Ana over using the bar was one of the high points of the movie, yet even this could have been expanded upon…instead of, as with most of the so called sex scenes it lasted a few brief seconds only.  There was Spanking too, but alas, no great shakes….the film’s portrayal of it cried out for more, if only to try and get the audience on board and to BEGIN to ‘live it’, and to ‘feel it’.

At one point Christian & Ana are in a restaurant and he orders her to remove her panties…again….a missed opportunity. The panties came down surreptitiously; All good…then there’s a close up of them draped over and around her sexy heels…again, all good and verging on erotic. She passes them across the table to Christian…and what does he do? Puts them in his pocket FFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What friking man would do that without a lingering albeit discreet sniff beforehand….a savouring of her delicious scent???? Clearly another instance of a director who’d never been there….. a sexually aware director would have made much of this potentially classic moment in the film…..but it was not to be. I’ll leave it there folks! Go and see it for yourself.

The film and its promotion tell us much about where we are TODAY as a society. A society in the main of gullible sheep herded by and happily manipulated by big American corporations. A society of people bigging everything up and focused on image instead of substance.  It’s all around us….from the girl in Next who goes to great lengths to tell you what she’s ‘gonna do for you’ before going out the back of the store to pick your online delivery, returning a quarter of an hour later explaining ‘like’ this and ‘like’ that she can’t find it….to the NHS junior doctor who’s assistant to the assistant of the consultant who hardly speaks any English who relays to you they’re doing everything they possibly can….while still waiting for paper patient notes to be sent down from Scotland 10 months after we’ve moved to the North East I kid you not……to the likes of Lovehoney 🙁  hyping up this film telling us it’s the biggest thing that’s ever happened to the sex industry….Yeah right. It’s the same in escorting with most service providers just out for your cash, with all kinds of slutty innuendo plastered across their profiles, yet reality is often no more than a tame & short-timed performance, leaving an unsatisfied & disappointed client.

Questions also need asking of censorship guidelines.  No doubt the directors felt they had to ‘play safe’ in order to get the film out there without a restricted certificate…..yet there were films released DECADES ago which include scenes way more more explicit than what we were treated to in Fifty Shades Darker. The public at large has moved on over the past decade or so with regard to what’s mainstream and acceptable and what’s not….but Establishment clings to a world ten years or more past and is resistant to change. The May and Trump governments will likely reverse, or engineer to reverse, a lot of the good works achieved by liberalists and activists with regard to sexual issues and openness…something I’ve written about before in relation to the Keith Vaz affair. We can rest assured though that these people will be replaced, eventually. The underlying trend is unstoppable and will continue I would say… all of us are becoming more sex positive, more natural in our approach to sex and less afraid to express our sexuality. This film needed only a 15 certificate. The 15 rating itself is questionable in my opinion & probably obsolete, and could, I believe safely be reduced to 14.  It’s time permissible ‘18’ content was reviewed as well; How much better films would be, if we could see relevant uncensored, tasteful, full on adult action. Full nudity and graphic sex scenes can help to bring a scene to life, to give the work an edginess, to make it authentic, and to truly immerse the viewer;  We could then reserve R18 for hard core pornography instead of the soft rubbish pedalled via those labels we see at present. (A point of interest….I used to sell R18 films….did you know that if a person sells an R18 video without a sex shop license or sells one by mail order, then he is open to a prison stretch of 13 YEARS and to be put on the sex offenders register; While at the same time judges will let a driver off with a ban or a minimal custodial sentence for killing some-one on the road? CRAZY!) What I’m suggesting isn’t going to happen anytime soon, and I doubt it’ll happen even in my lifetime, sadly. Our country is hidebound by armies of regulators rubbing shoulders with an Establishment elite…we can only hope that sustained pressure from the masses (AKA the ‘thickoes’ as the BBC would portray us LOL) via social media will break this deadlock….as we’ve seen happen at recent elections 🙂   Time to step down from the soapbox…and look at some lighter stuff AKA…


This month we’ve suffered a drop in business due to Minx being unwell and in hospital a couple of times 🙁 so there are no meets of distinction to report on; however, we DID find time for a kinky training session on Sunday evening, which we’ll share with YOU 🙂 .

Men are always meeting us and saying that their sex life is boring or even non-existent.  Quite often once we’ve been with them a short while we can guess why; many are selfish by nature with little consideration for others, and a lot of couples suffer too through not being able or willing to communicate with each other effectively. That’s something we see more often than other service providers because most of our clients have a bi fantasy or a bi streak in them…and that can be a RISKY subject to broach even within the strongest relationships. It shouldn’t be that way, because true soulmates share everything, but then there’s a whole bunch of people out there who are in shaky relationships anyway; relationships founded more upon money and material matters rather than LOVE. Trust us we know, as will many others who’ve been through divorce or widowed and found themselves dating in later life. Good numbers of people seek not a loving relationship first and foremost but instead actively seek a partner with a safe job, a mortgage free house and/or a fat pension. We know of many who fit that description. I well remember a tidy lass in late forties I met one night in Lancashire…there was some chemistry there for sure, but she phoned a day or so later saying that ‘although I was very nice I came with a CAUTION sign on my forehead’…then went on to elaborate… ‘You’ve no pension, you’ve no…’ this that whatever blah blah….'Bye-bye love'…time to move on, NEXT please!!!  I was struggling with a demolition related business at the time with serious machinery issues bleeding cash….other women just cut me off whenever I went near ‘business problems’…but fortunately NOT Minx.  Minx and I are kindred spirits and neither of us had ever considered dating people for reasons other than attraction and us naïve if you like, but then it’s not us seeking out escorts for fun and frolics due to a lacklustre relationship is it? As a couple we communicate well, though dialogue waxes and wanes at times, more often than not as a result of saving ourselves for punters, meaning we miss out on ‘us time’ many weeks. Of course our whole life is sexualised as with any-one who works in the adult industry, and we find ourselves FOREVER talking about clients, relationships and sex itself…especially boundaries, which are constantly evolving as time marches on. Listening to so many guys complaining about boring sex lives is fascinating, because as a couple, we can truly say we’ve never made love the same way twice…every time is different. And there have been a helluva lot of times over 10 years I can tell you. There’s many times too when a client takes me to one side and whispers to me that I’m 'one lucky man'…YES I AM, but it’s because I can be 100% myself with nothing hidden, I’m not living a lie, my sexuality and kinks are out in the open and discussed between us, as are Minx’s. We can each give our whole selves to one another and that’s what makes the pairing so special. Anyway…back to Sunday:)

As with most previous times mutual seduction began in the kitchen over Doritos, dip and a drink. Sometimes it stays there, with the kitchen units and the floor seeing more than their fair share of, shall we say, ‘fluids’. Other times it moves to the futon in the reception area at the foot of the stairs…on Sunday though Minx was making noises about a strap-on and female ejaculation together, so upstairs we went.  She wanted music, I didn’t…we both settled for quiet very intimate talk instead. Minx has impressive 34G tits with the most gorgeous areolas…I love it when she towers above me & sits naked across my chest, breasts swaying with the slightest movement…begging  attention, but in all the 10 years we’ve been together, they’d never had serious sustained handling until this night; A good half hour to forty minutes of my undivided attention….focused solely on her tit-flesh; kneading, manipulating, feasting, sucking, kissing….peach soft skin primed for intense arousal….Minx got very turned on to the point of cumming…she asked me to feel her flowing gently onto a towel hastily spread across the quilt, mmmmm. Very brief penetration followed before she pushed me onto my back and into her fave position across my chest and then my thighs, demanding to be fucked in between 69ing one another, her drenched pussy pressing onto my face, nay, into my face even; And then she came so so much I just opened my mouth….we’d talked about water-sports earlier and it was our intention to engage in some wet play, however as many of y’all know, noble intentions often fall by the wayside and end up never happening due to premature fulfilment of sexual desire, that heady cocktail of LUST and LOVE mixed together; WOW; reason enough for me to accept the situation, to relax and enjoy the drink….a good half pint I’d say with the most delicious taste. Not been there guys?...go find yourself a squirter then, or better still train your significant other…again, it all stems from communication doesn’t it.  This time was different though. We were literally ON FIRE. Gentle sensual fucking followed and an explosive climax… much ON FIRE that I remained hard and feeling VERY kinky even after ejaculation; I needed to feel Minx flowing over me, engulfing me….. ‘Piss on my balls’ I rudely demanded; Minx replied asking if I wanted it in my face…Did I? WOW yes, piss all over me….

I’ll leave it there, and you can imagine what followed….I have to say the strap-on stayed where it was….we hadn’t saddled Minx up beforehand. When you’re on fire you need to have everything ready for instantaneous use…to maintain momentum…and to capitalise on that super feeling you get when you’d DO ANYTHING HOWEVER FUCKING KINKY YOU JUST WANT MORE MORE MORE……I’m sure you’ve been there too…how gorgeous….if you’ve not been or, you’ve not been there often, then think about it. Don’t go to your grave wishing….it’s something we see guys dealing with all the time; some have wrestled with their conscience for years before taking the plunge, FAIRPLAY to them, we salute you.

If a relationship REALLY HAS HAD ITS DAY don’t stick with it. In reality people DO sometimes grow apart, and some relationships ARE BROKEN…that maybe is the time to think first and foremost about Number One…..aka YOU!

We turn fantasy into reality, and we tell you the way it is….You subscribe to our newsletter 'NEWS VIEWS & SCREWS' and to find out what it’s really like to be an EscortCouple, We thank you for your support, Stay tuned, safe sex always, until next time, Luv, fun50couple xxx

PS: I nearly forgot! We took time out one cold Sunday afternoon to have fun on Teesside, take a look:

* Please note we NEVER divulge people’s identities and we have changed some names and details to preserve complete anonymity

© fun50couple 2017