Chair 3 with TEXTNOV '16 NEWSLETTER(2) 




Hello Sexy Friends, just 4 weekends to go till Christmas WOW! Hope you’re not stressing too much. The big news for us this last fortnight has been our appearance in CLOSER magazine; in case you haven’t heard of it, it’s a weekly glossy publication similar to ‘OK’ packed with the latest celebrity news, fashion, beauty and compelling true real life stories…and yeah you guessed it, we’re one of those true life stories! Find us in this week’s issue #726, 26NOV-2 DEC AND we made the cover too! captureConventional wisdom in the Escorting industry is to adopt a low profile, and keep out of the limelight as there are still many in our midst that misunderstand the ‘oldest profession’ and will do everything they can to close it down. So, the two of us thought long and hard about exposing ourselves to public scrutiny. It was the media people who approached us, not us them. They were interested in writing a story around an ‘older’ escort working in order to help pay for Xmas presents for grandchildren. Well, we ‘don’t do’ grandchildren and are not remotely interested in kids, sorry….but we kinda clicked with the editorial team who interviewed us at length, then decided to run with a story from a different angle. They were fascinated by our life and experiences. There are around a thousand escort couples up and down the country, mostly amateurs in the 18-35 age group; we are among a tiny handful of full time professional couples, with even fewer our age. You’ll all know that we enjoy our work; however, it’s not something we can do full time for ever! Our sextoy retail business FUN-FIVE-0 is taking up more and more time but it’s a long haul. Success never comes overnight….you’ll frequently hear about people who are ‘overnight success’ stories but in reality, there’s usually a lot of sweat and hard work been put in behind the scenes on their way to the top. We figured the publicity in CLOSER magazine could help us in our goal to make FUN-FIVE-0 better known, hence the reason we agreed to it. It’s an exciting time just now with FiftyShadesDarker merchandise hitting the shelves, and the film due for release on Feb14th 2017, so it was an ideal opportunity….stay tuned for more stories about us, our life and our FUN-FIVE-0 business over the coming weeks and months.         [ Excuse us btw for being a day late with this too…all the CLOSER negotiations took up a lotta time.]

Last issue I promised you the next one would be more light-hearted so we’re running an EASY competition for you to WIN a decent sextoy for Christmas, OK? It’s just for the benefit of our subscribers, no-one else, and the winner will be drawn by a member of the CLOSER team around the 14th December. All you have to do is email your answers to the quiz below to before December 14th 0000hours.

Q 1: Robert Wartenburg is most famous for what?

Answer a) the popular German recipe for Bratwurst, b) designing the pinwheel, or c) inventing the Vibratile (the worlds first vibrator marketed for home use)in March 1899

Q 2: Ian Fraser Willis (more usually known by his birth surname) was the front man for which band who’s just released their second branded range of sextoys?

Answer a) Motley Crue  b) Hawkwind  or  c) Motorhead

Q: 'Johnson' is a popular slang word for ‘cock’ in the US,

Answer: True or False?

Now tell us which toy you want (one only)if drawn, A,B,C or D

A=FiftyShadesDarker Kinky Fuckery Kit for Couples  B=His Prostate Training Kit for Him C=Ro-Zen by Rocks-Off for Him  D=Motorhead Bomber black and gold Rock Hard Glass dildo (Subject to avail) for Her  Email your answer in the following format: (example) : 'aaTRUEA'  Email is:


This month we tested RO-ZEN by Rocks-Off. The problem with dealing in sex toys AND working as a full time escort couple is that one’s literally immersed in the World of Sex pretty much 24/7. There are usually several boxes of adult related merchandise in our office and they’re best kept sealed, to avoid temptation. Nevertheless, there are some occasions when you just can’t help yourself from ‘over indulging’ and breaking open a box. Last weekend was one of those times; Often people ask us what is the worst thing about working as an Escort Couple expecting us to talk about matters relating to the bedroom, but without doubt the most onerous part is suffering the vast numbers of dreamers/time-wasters and ‘no shows’. Last week was even worse than usual so we were delighted when we got a call at short notice from a favourite ‘regular’. This particular guy is in his early 40s & married to a wife who for health reasons, ‘doesn’t do’ sex anymore…a common enough scenario, as was the guy’s interest in same sex fun within the parameters of a MMF threesome. There are many ‘sex positive’ guys out there these days wanting to explore their ‘bi’ side with active encouragement from a kinky female. He’d seen us 4 or 5 times previously and as professional escorts we always seek to deliver a 5* experience, which means thinking up new ways to turn our clients on, so hopefully they’ll return; repeat business is the key to escorting success. So that was a good enough excuse to try RO-ZEN. I’d been feeling particularly horny anyway due to the lack of much activity in the preceding days, and quite kinky…some of you guys will ‘get’ that I know…it’s that animalistic EXTREME feeling…when one’s in need of imminent and intense stimulation culminating in violent relief AKA orgasm. And we sexy peeps know that a little anal attention goes a L>>>O>>>N>>>G way in reaching that goal. n9624-rocks_off_ro_zen-3_1 So I bust open a box and rummaged. I love the power of cock-rings and often encourage guys to experiment with them. We see more than our fair share of guys who find staying hard a struggle, and rings usually help…BIG-TIME. I also like anal stimulation especially that filled up feeling often talked about by women enjoying vaginal & anal intercourse. In my view many men are drawn to experimenting anally after watching their female partners enjoy ‘A’; it seems entirely natural to me for a man to want to explore those feelings himself…yes, I know, I’m a bit extreme and many men won’t go there because they think that makes them gay; well, welcome to the 21st Century brother…I’ve got news for you…its well documented that male sex-toys and in particular ‘P spot’ stimulation is moving mainstream….get over it. Enjoy. The rummaging quickly revealed a white sleeved box with purple graphics…purple being my favourite colour btw: ‘7 speed RO-ZEN’ and another printed message ‘PLEASE REMOVE SLEEVE FOR DISPLAY PURPOSES’…alongside were two other opened cartons, 7 speed O boy and Doc Johnsons Optimale, both toys sampled on previous occasions with mixed results. Within the sleeve was a smart box containing RO-ZEN, blister packed and within an upscale professional looking carton fit to grace the shelves of the classiest retailers.  Unpacking RO-ZEN was a breeze followed by a quick inspection and removal of the cardboard disc within the battery compartment…you always want to do that in good time and way before sex so you won’t spoil the moment later. It’s also beneficial to familiarize yourself with the functionality before-hand. RO-ZEN has a 7 speed bullet. If you’re familiar with ROCKS-OFF products you’ll know how simple the control is; twisting the gold coloured knob OFF/ON and a black tit to change mode. I personally can take or leave vibe action, though admittedly it’s nice to have it on tap for a little boost now and then. My favourite toys are solid glass…the attraction to RO-ZEN for me was the combination of two rings PLUS butt plug…three-for-the-price-of-one, and while we’re on the subject of money, I feel this toy comes cheap at a RRP around thirty quid. (£24-77 on We had fun at FUN-FIVE-0 writing the product description for RO-ZEN and exploring the meaning of the word ‘ZEN’ finding the best definition as ‘a practise that helps a man to penetrate his true self through cross legged sitting and to vitalise this self in daily life’, well, the first part at least sounded good to us! We’re not ones for merely Copying & Pasting manufacturer’s notes. We live sleep and breathe the sex industry; far better to talk to our potential customers from the heart, and often from experience we feel. It seems that the world and their neighbour are all out there selling sextoys these days with no interest in them other than as a cynical means to convert a pound sterling into £1.20 …money men…that’s NOT our style. n9624-rocks_off_ro_zen_1Once I’d done my homework and examined RO-ZEN it was time to put it down and ready myself with Minx for the upcoming liaison with our 44 year old client. After a refreshing shower and douche, it wasn’t too long until there was a knock on the door, and in came our friend, beaming. He’d suffered a lot of stress recently due to un-foreseen fluctuations in his business so it was good to be able to talk…a problem shared is a problem halved.  We were soon into FULL-ON sex mode and this is not the place to share intimate details, needless to say, a good time was being had by all. Client had a problem staying hard while rubbering up, so we gave him a steel ring which quickly produced the desired result. At the same time the sight of the client’s by now impressive hard on prompted me to reach for a ring myself, not because of any shortfall in performance,  but more because I craved the taut feeling one gets with a ring. What better excuse to trial RO-ZEN? I never normally bother with a ring round my balls, a simple ring around the base of the shaft is normally sufficient, but RO-ZEN has both. I have bigger than average balls (Minx loves a man with balls, metaphorically and physically speaking) and pondered briefly as to whether ZEN’s diameter was big enough OR whether the material would be strong enough when stretched.  This is something I’ll be looking out for as time goes by. Stretching the ring around the scrotum with one ball in, enabled me to feed the other in after, followed by pushing all the skin through for a good tight fit; it was then very easy to stretch the smaller ring over my erect penis, leaving the plug dangling under. I’d already lubed up with a water based anal lube, so the next thing to do was to push the plug home…..delicious, though I found myself at first having to keep a finger against it to hold it in, or by squatting low against the bed. n9624-rocks_off_ro_zen-2_1There are dimples moulded into the inside face of ZEN to stimulate the perineum though I wasn’t taking too much notice of them since the feeling I was getting was quickly moving from so-so to good to intense. I found that ZEN stayed in place without manual help once I really got into it. Client was having intercourse with Minx and I was watching…he pulled out though due to going a little soft again and proceeded to masturbate instead, for he was getting very turned on seeing me turned on…big mirrors were a help too in effect, turning the scene into LIVE PORN. Doc Johnson’s OPTIMALE and Rocks-Off O-boy had seen action on previous occasions and to be fair those two are designed with direct P-spot stimulation in mind. Optimale hit the spot but only after violent short sharp strokes which detracted from the overall experience to a degree, and O-BOY simply wasn’t big enough. ZEN isn’t designed for P spot action, nevertheless the orgasm was TO-DIE-FOR with an explosive climax, shooting far and wide to the utter amazement of ‘client’…YES, I cum heavy, but this was even better than that…it was almost off the scale. That’s why I like rings so much…this unit promised a triple whammy with 2 rings and a plug…and that’s what I got…Thoroughly Recommended and cheap too….GO GET ONE GUYS!

PS: I almost forgot….if you’re couple then this toy’s for you too, it’s not just for solo use, why? Because I can’t impress upon you enough the substantial improvement to hardness/stamina and performance this kinda kit delivers….OK, I know, if you’re a 21 year old stud then you’ll maybe not need it ….(yet), but for those who aren’t, it’s a game-changer….ENJOY!   [RO-ZEN was not supplied FOC for testing by the manufacturer Rocks-Off more’s the pity, this is an independent and genuine review from fun50couple, the UK’s #1 mature escorting duo, Rest assured, No animals or humans were harmed in this test]


Its been a quiet month, however, two meets stand out, the one mentioned in fun50couple-Views above and another at a local hotel. Both meetings were with regular clients. Both guys we’ve seen umpteen times. It feels strange sometimes charging them for their time with us, however, business is business!  The guy we met is in his mid fifties and a commercial traveller from the South, who spends his worktime selling big contracts B2B. Not short of a few bob and an interesting character we shall call him Ken. Ken is slim with a good body, smooth skin and not hairy at all, with the most wonderful cock on the planet; a good 9”and straight as a die. We met in the bar first, we’re never in too much of a hurry, the guy has plenty to talk about, and it’s nice to make a night out of it. After a half hour or so we made our way to the bedroom. He’d booked an hour. He’s always scrupulously clean and douched, so there’s never any worry on that score; the door was barely closed before he started snogging Minx while Geeze started sucking him. This was followed by all three of us hugging close and kissing together…Deep n dirty MMF textour relationship with this guy has progressed to something beyond just business, it’s on a different, higher level. We know each other’s likes and a genuine friendship has developed. Great sex is always about good communication…it just can’t happen without it which is why so many guys come see us….they’ve lost the art of communicating with their partners, or simply have no partner at all. Ken is married and fully bi, happy to give as much as he is to take, and on this occasion, take he did. Ken was pleasuring us both simultaneously, but Geeze sensed he was wanting to be penetrated, and whispered the question in Ken’s ear…yes, Ken wanted to be fucked. Geeze was only too happy to oblige. Often it’s a case of ‘gently does it’ with the recipient unsure of limits, but this time it was a case of ‘gently does it’ as in making it last, to savour the moment, for us both….this was almost love-making, not merely raw bi sex. Geeze wanted to come, and asked permission from Ken, who said not to hold back, just to let it go….before lying quite still in order to feel Geeze cum hard into his condom deep inside K. We use all different kinds of condom btw to suit the occasion. We have big ones, thin ones, extra safe ones, and we’re shortly trialling the new Lelo Hex…. a new kind of protection, said to be ultra-sensitive. After years of stagnation, attention at last is being payed to improvements in condom usability which is to be welcomed. So many guys just lose it when they put on a condom…many have trouble staying hard for long periods of time anyway. We can tell you from EXPERIENCE that real life is very different to what you often hear in the works canteen or rugby club, but then, its also true that those who talk about it most are the ones with the least fulfilling sex lives. Another new development we shall be trialling is the Blue Diamond, a condom from Holland ready filled with a stimulant similar to Vi but in a cream form and designed to penetrate the skin. Don’t laugh! ED is a big issue for many in society today, old AND young.

There followed heavy attention on Minx by both men, with Minx eventually drenching everything in sight; it was a good job we’d brought an extra towel.  Ken screwed Minx but only briefly, time was ticking by and, it became increasingly clear he was in full bi mode this evening. He took Geeze’s semi flaccid cock into his mouth and proceeded to suck and lick in hope of a response. Geeze is no spring chicken, but is capable of coming three times in an hour and a half if he’s turned on enough, though that DOES require a bit of effort I have to say! (LOL) It takes around 20 minutes to get back to full strength again with a good solid cock, and Ken’s efforts were not in vain. Though pulled out now from his mouth through tenderness after the long session of oral, Geeze was still able to signal the onset of a powerful orgasm…more powerful than the previous one in fact…K and Minx stooped low to savour the blast with Ken managing to capture a few drops in his open mouth…sometimes in the past we’ve all snowballed together….we only do that on rare occasions with people we have real feeling for. This time however, K chose to swallow….in all this time he’d not come…its like a double edged sword….he can last a long time, BUT, he also has a degree of difficulty coming, again, something we find not unusual, especially with guys 40+. If you’re a young guy reading this, take note; different folk are affected in different ways as they get older….savour those moments of pure hedonism, don’t be selfish with your sexual needs, seek always to maximise your fulfilment through mutual pleasure whenever possible, you will not regret it. We helped get K off with a mix of dirty talk, tight embrace and Minx stimulating his thighs and balls…Ken cried out as if in agony, his orgasm was so intense…one of the advantages for sure of prolonged hyper-sexual activity if you can hold off…you get that wonderful explosive orgasm that goes on for around a half minute or more which you can really ENJOY, lovely. So that was it my friends; a very welcome meet indeed. Often we are plagued with timewasters and people who keep texting without the balls to talk….it’s so annoying and the worst aspect of life as an escort. Last week was one such time, what keeps you going is that in life if you don’t have any bad times then you can’t really appreciate the good times when they come along can you? Until next time…..We turn fantasy into reality, and we tell you the way it is….You subscribe to our newsletter 'NEWS VIEWS & SCREWS' and to find out what it’s really like to be an EscortCouple, We thank you for your support, Stay tuned, safe sex always, until next time, Luv, fun50couple xxx

PS: Next ish out mid December: Winner of Nov(2) competition announced. Sextoy party info still to come....working on the details.

* Please note we NEVER divulge people’s identities and we have changed some names and details to preserve complete anonymity

© fun50couple 2016